I get a lot of emails from wives, husbands, and sometimes from couples asking for advice on how to save their marriage when they are no longer “in love” or when one of them “doesn’t love” the other anymore. In most of these cases, one or both parties want to make things work. Usually there are children or a long term commitment involved that one or both of the parties hesitate to walk away from. But, they tell me, the feelings just aren’t there anymore. They’ve “fallen out of love.” The spark is gone and while there may not be a lot of fighting or conflict, the chemistry just isn’t there anymore either, leaving one or both to wonder if this existence makes it worth sticking it out.It often takes a while before they both agree with me, but I maintain that it may be premature to declare that you’re no longer in love. Actually, most times you’re troubled by the situation and how much that same situation lends itself to the appearance that your spouse or the relationship has changed. Often, that isn’t the case. More often than not, it’s the circumstances that have changed. And these circumstances of modern life can choke out intimacy and closeness because, frankly, we live in a society that doesn’t reward or appreciate them.Are You Comparing Apples To Apples?: Often when people tell me that they’re aren’t in love, I will ask a few open ended questions in an attempt ti figure out why this is. Often, they will tell me that things just don’t feel the same. The easy laughter and the spontaneous, loving gestures aren’t there. The conversation lags. The fun seems to be missing. They just aren’t in sync.After getting a clear picture of this, I then ask them how often they are attempting (but failing) to have fun together. In other words, what is so different about when they were dating and now? Are they still spending the same amounts of quality time together (quality time does not mean doing household chores or talking about the kids) but just falling short anyway?Actually, this is not often the case, when I ask for specifics, they often can not provide very many. This doesn’t mean that they weren’t being truthful or even that they’re blatantly neglectful. It just means that they live in our fast paced society where there are a million obligations and responsibilities that stretch us oh so thin. I don’t deny this reality, but I draw your attention to the equation that you’re thinking doesn’t add up. Ask yourself for a second how much QUALITY time you and your spouse spent together when you were dating. Remember that quality time is the things that you did together so that you would become closer and would bond. These were the things that you enjoyed so much that you would reschedule everything else so that you could do them. Let’s say that was, as an estimate, 5 – 10 hours per week. Now, what is it today? (And, I don’t mean watching reruns or sitcoms on TV or driving your kids to extracurricular activities.) I mean the two of you alone, doing something that you both want to do and are both engaged in. Even if you can’t give specifics, you probably have to concede that it’s only a fraction of the time that you put in when you were dating. And, thus, you feel a fraction of the feelings that you were feeling then. To put it very simply, the time and effort that you put in was a reflection of how deeply you were “in love,” right? Now, can we also say that the lack of time and effort that you put in today is also reflective of how deeply you feel?Getting Back On Track: If you’re read this far, then you must at least entertain the idea that you can rehabilitate this situation, but doing so may seem to be a very far away goal. That’s OK. In the beginning, you’ll just need to take baby steps. Just commit to spending a little bit more time together laughing or having fun without any pressure. Then, build on that. Every so often, up the ante and see what will happen if you focus on loving gestures or lighthearted fun that turns into something else. See if you feel any differently or love any more deeply.At the end of the day, it’s not so mysterious an equation. We all want the same things. We all want to be worth the time and effort and we want to mirror this back to those we love. We want to feel understood and loved anyway. And, we want to know that even with this deep understanding of us (flaws and all,) that they think that we are worth it. Of course, we have to give this back. To get the kind of spouse that we truly want we often have the lead the way and become that person first. In this way, we are demonstrating the behavior and the actions that we want more of. As we make our spouse more happy, they will then return the favor. Over time, I’d be willing to bet that you’re no longer so adamant to put a label like “not in love” on your relationship.Because doing so just makes your job harder before you’ve even started and over time things really can turn around. Give yourself that chance by taking the labels off of the table. Accept the possibility that it may be your relationship and the lack of effort surrounding it that you’re not in love with, not your spouse.
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